What Do You Do When The Worst Thing Happens?
For those of you who are suffering now, I get it. I really get it.
It happened to me—the worst thing. It was my personal worst thing: my wife’s cancer returning, her eventual death when our two children were still quite young. It was a slow process, it unraveled over fourteen months. It was absolutely horrifying. It was the worst thing that could have happened to me.
Of course there are always things that can happen that are worse than what we imagine. Hordes of alien insects did not invade, devouring all life. Our home has not been invaded by rabid Bears toting machine guns. Life continues and more than that, years later, is filled with joy and profound beauty.
But the loss of her was absolutely shitty in every way. And for a time we were all deeply immersed in the great shittyness of life. For those of you who are suffering now, I get it. I really get it. Let me pass on to you a few things that helped me immensely.
Trust in the sure knowledge that this too shall pass. It will pass only because everything passes. Every season comes to an end. Our Earth will someday end. This universe will collapse in on itself. Everything changes. And it’s completely out of your hands right now.
You can tell yourself that. You can mutter it over and over to yourself throughout the day as needed….”this too shall pass.” It was my mantra for those several weeks when I was so far beyond exhaustion that everything, even thinking, hurt. I stopped caring who saw me mutter. Dig into the change of things. Claim it.
The second, and one thing you can do right now, is to get really present. I know this is counterintuitive. You want to check out, you may want to get drunk (have at it!), you may already be drunk (don’t drive, think about a nap), but it’s important to get really focused on the here and now.
By that I mean DON’T think about what’s likely coming. Don’t get lost in fear based fantasy or ideas at all. Remember that the only real and important thing is you being in your body right now. Just breathe. That’s your job. Feel your toes. Appreciate them. What is the air temperature like? Can you experience any pleasure in just being alive?
When the worst thing happens we feel like the world is ending, but it’s not. Not yet anyways. You still have the gift of this body, this moment. It’s time to get micro in your awareness of this moment.
Every moment of being, even when the worst thing has happened, is a gift.
See if you can just come back to being in the here and now. Your spirit is in the here and now. The greater experience of being with Spirit is in the here and now. That presence is nourishing. Indulge in the simple feeling of being alive.
Next, surrender to what is. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a battle ahead. Surely much will be asked of you. But if you’re going to really be here, you have to accept that the shitty has happened. It is here with you now, sitting right next to you, at least for the time being. It’s OK to be with it, because you just don’t have any choice.
Finally, and maybe most importantly, call someone. Maybe you don’t have great friends. Maybe there is just one other person who you think might be able to meet you where you are right now. It turns out that part of feeling the profoundness of being is being with other people. Our connections are essential right now. Being is really inter-being. We are all connected, we are all one, even if the shitty is making it really hard to feel that.
Oh yeah, and get some sleep. You’ve got a big day ahead of you.
Thank you Tim. One of the things I'm realizing & appreciating right now is how much more grief- and trauma-informed we've all become over the last several years. Almost like we've been training for this. You are certainly on the leading edge of that wave. "This too shall pass" is brilliant. The serenity prayer has been keeping me going as well. Grateful to have you as a guide through these times.