This is the beginning of the new year for me, the return of the light. I have a cold {bleh}, but I’m sitting in the last great darkness of the year beneath a thick comforter with a cup of tea and two cats to rub into purr mode. All animals in the house have been fed, the Elf-On-The-Shelf has been moved to her new perch (“yes, of course Dad she’s a girl, just look at her!”), and I get to write.
For the last few months I’ve felt the next year will hold big changes for our little family. I think it’s all positive, but even positive change can sometimes bring stress. Our culture is also facing a lot of changes, sadly many choices made by the new administration may create suffering for many. Let’s hope I’m wrong about that. I trust there will still be wonderful things like kids, new pet Gecko’s and Santa in my life - even if this coming year is crazy.
There will be writing. Lots of writing.
The newness of this year is striking to me. I feel free of the gravity created by losing Terry and my time as her caregiver. Both kids are now grown to the point where constant attention is no longer needed. I’m starting to hear the quiet reminder for Truly that I heard for Tadg a few years ago: “it’s OK to let her go a little bit, it’s time for her to feel the spread of her wings.” It feels strange and unexpected to hear that voice in my head, but I know it’s true. Their orbits continue to expand outwards.
It’s time to let my creativity, my spiritual practices swallow me a little more. The invitation is to disappear into the subject: the transformative, regenerative spirit of the natural world. Single parenting asks that I walk a line, toeing the edge carefully so the kids still have someone to come home to. But I can unfurl my wings a little further too, surrender to the slipstream.
Feel that lift, that pull upwards?
Yes.
It feels strange to be allowing that pull more when the world feels even more tumultuous than it has in the last decade. But maybe thats how this works, the call of the eternal becomes clearer, stronger as the world becomes more and more disconnected from any real guiding center. We are called to anchor even more deeply within our own beings. Perhaps this is how new guiding lights are brought into the world, through the distilling agitation of conflict and chaos.
The furthest end of the Santa Cruz pier collapsed during a recent storm surge. To call that bit of real estate iconic would be an understatement. Did the crew of Harold and Maude dine there between shoots? How many afternoons did I visit the Sea Lions perched below the rough wooden planks? So much life lived on those pylons. Half of California slipped into nostalgia when the news was announced.
Where do we find sanctuary when these nostalgic gems of a disappearing era are finally washed away? Maybe its time to let go of sanctuaries for now. We’re making the necessary, painful long journey to new lands. We might not be the ones making memories there, it could just be our fledglings, but we’ve all had such amazing times. Even with the requisite foreboding, it’s a beautiful moment isn’t it? Hung together in these hungry, haunting winds between the worlds?
Waiting for the light to return.
After Santa works his magic I’ll be laying the groundwork for us to be more mobile, more ready to move and adjust to these winds. Part of me is tired {mostly the cold I think} but the better part of me is ready for this new flight. The best part is watching my kids. They’re so ready for it. The adventure of their lives waits for them just beyond these headwinds.
I wish for you, this New Year, the courage to fly through the winds you need to endure. I wish for you the courage to feel everything life asks you to feel. I wish for you the many blessings your beautiful heart needs. Know I’ll be flying with you, even if you can’t see me, riding these great winds of change.
Tim, every piece you write is my favorite but this one has moved into the foreground. It's one of those where I can't pull out a single line to highlight because every other line would come with it. The truth you're speaking to here - for yourself, for me certainly and lots of other souls, and universally are crystalline, poetic, rich, and exquisite. From my comforter to yours, cheersing you with my tea and looking forward just as you are, glad and heartened to know you're with me. Thank you.