How They Become Anchors for the Living

A big part of feeling that connection is doing our own work.

You’ve probably met someone who has a connection like that, maybe you have that kind of connection yourself. Someone you loved, someone really important, is even more of an anchor now that they have passed on.

You could mention a birthday, or how much you miss their company, but I can tell by the glow of that face, that you are feeling the beloved departed RIGHT NOW. Other people can feel it too. It’s not hard to believe the departed are here, right now.

That doesn’t mean their loss still doesn’t hurt. I think those that grieve the most also often feel the most genuine connection to those who have passed on. They have made the journey down the rough road loss offered them. Their experience has carved a deep path for the spirits to find them again.

The other day I had a question that for ONCE IN MY LIFE I wanted to ask my Dad. We were frenemies for much of my early life, I did a lot of work to heal our relationship towards the end of his life and after he passed. For perhaps the first time I instinctively reached out to him to get some input. His answer was immediate and clear, and I was very grateful for it. It took a long time for us to get there.

It’s been easy to reach out to my late wife. I lean into her for advice on the kids with unsurprising regularity. She and I shared much of the same training in shamanism, at times practicing together. My most needed work after she died was developing boundaries I didn’t have with her. I wanted to be deeply entangled with her. It was hard letting go BECAUSE we shared our spiritual connection. I needed to clean up my act if she was going to be an anchor for me.

We tend to think that those who have that kind of connection are supported by strong religious traditions, or at least a very vital spirituality, but there are many ways the dead can become anchors for us. I know atheists, rational materialists, who carry on the traditions of their departed loved ones, embodying their values and actions in humanitarian causes or just in how they meet each day. Their beloved departeds are alive to them each day in a myriad of ways.

I believe this is the natural state of being for people. We need to have good boundaries around those who have passed, but we can also have deep, nourishing connections with them for the rest of our lives. It may not require faith or even any special spiritual ability to connect with them after they have died.

A big part of feeling that connection is doing our own work. The departed, assuming they have passed well, seem to want us to be clear about moving on with our own lives. If we are deep in grief we may still receive dreams, but the clarity of connection, that sense of being anchored comes after time spent in griefs depths. That process may also include resolving entanglements, forgiveness of self and the departed, and in general a feeling of wholeness in ones own life.

The next requirement is just a willingness to lean into that being who has passed on. Are you open to feeling connected? Are you willing to accept signs even if “signs” sounds silly to you? Are you willing to feel connected again, even if that feeling might be overwhelming and bring up grief again? Many of us have resistance to feeling and open clear connection for a variety reasons.

I’m finishing development on a class titled "Healing With The Well-Departed” that helps us heal and develop our relationships with those who have passed on. There is so much repair work to be done in this area of our lives, both for ourselves and our culture. We really can have our departed beloveds as anchors in our lives as we face each day.

I’m scheduled to offer it early in 2025. Be sure to subscribe if you haven’t for free updates and related articles.