Healing With The Well-Departed

Mending our relationships with those on the otherside.

“My relationship with my Mother got a lot better after she died.”

That was the first time I’d heard about continuing relationships with people after they died. I was in my 20’s at the time, I was working with my first shamanic practitioners. I had yet to train in shamanism myself. I had lost friends but nobody I was as close to as my Dad or Wife, that would come later. It was a novel idea. I tucked it away for later mulling.

By the time my Dad died years later it wasn’t unusual for me to be visited by spirits in my dreams. The crisis that led me to the shamanic practitioner blew my life apart in every way. My dreams became extraordinary journeys, hopping from one dream reality to another, spanning time, the globe and other dimensions. I met powerful spirits, initiating me into new energies and ways of seeing. It was also the beginning of decades of training and practice in shamanism.

The dream visits from Dad came almost immediately after his sudden death. Over time you learn how to discern between dreams that are created and populated by you and dreams that are given to you by other spirits. Dads early dreams were filled with anger and stress. It was not easy for him to accept his death at first, and the dreams he brought reflected that. With time, the tone of those dreams changed.

Then came his dream gift to me.

Dad and I had been frenemies for a good part of my early life. He was heavy handed with discipline, as was his family tradition. I spent years of my childhood terrified of him. I’d done a lot of work in therapy of different kinds, received many, many healings. I left no stone unturned in my work addressing my trauma. Still, there was more to do, there always is. I needed something from Dad for the next step.

In my dream that night Dad and I were standing in a small town on the East Coast watching a Fall parade march by. It was just the two of us. I could tell he had something on his mind. He was uncomfortable. He turned to me and said “I’m sorry I didn’t treat you with the tenderness you needed.” We both broke down crying and held each other. I thanked him with a heart that was no longer closed to him but fully open. I woke up still crying, still grateful for the healing of my heart.

There is no specific training in shamanism to help you heal relationships with those who have passed over well. There’s a lot to be learned about working with those discarnate souls who have not moved on, but much less to help us heal our relationship with those who are gone.

That dream from my Dad was a gift, but it came after a lot of personal work. I was also available to his communication and had good boundaries with those in the spirit world. Things are rougher when you don’t have good boundaries… like when my wife died of cancer when our kids were still young.

I learned a lot from her passing. Saying yes to grief was the first part of the journey. But my own wellness, my own willingness to stay in this world and be fully present took a lot more time. The dreams with her still continue, six years after her passing. Now they are much more casual, much more of my own learning. Often they come from me and not her. I still enjoy her company nonetheless.

This morning I was pondering a problem, how to show up in a really difficult situation. I thought to myself, “why not ask Dad, he might have a good idea or two.” I closed my eyes, asking silently in my mind, and there the answer was, straight from Dad. “Help. Thats what YOU do. Help.” Yep, dead on. Thanks Dad.

My relationship with my Dad has gotten a lot better. My relationship with my late wife continues to evolve. We are still connected because of the children, but I have much better boundaries.

I have journeyed to both of them over the years. I’ve included them in various rituals honoring their place in our lives and the connections that still bind us. I’ve come to see that my inner state, my ability to be present and open is the most important part of having experiences with them. Now, I can honestly say they are part of every day, part of the air I breath.

Now when I think of either of them there is a deep affection and a quiet sense of peace. They’re with me because they are with everything. When I feel them I’m also at peace with oneness. My path through their loss has made me more whole.

I’m finishing up my curriculum for an audio class titled “Healing With The Well-Departed”, launching Feb 2025. I hope you’ll join me in exploring how fulfilling our relationships with the departed can be.